raw exposition of dream,330 am, unedited

I don't even want to write this down but I think I HAVE to do so.
In this nightmare D had another family. No - that's not the bad part. D had another MOM.
And she was perfect.
She drew pictures he admired and wanted to emulate. He showed me drawings he had done. I told him they were wonderful. He said "the real genius here is HER"
(She doesn't have a name. I wish she did so i could hang my hurt somewhere.)
She is blonde and athletic. She has 3 other kids, Declan's brothers now, I guess. When I go to visit (the house is beautiful, bright, big) the first time they are sitting at a table making paper houses. On the houses are charts of responsibilities for everyone in the family; you get stars for the successfully completing things.
It's time for school - she, pretty blonde she, dressed in fancy yoga clothes -brings out lunches for them to take to school. they are in charming little boxes, like bento boxes a bit. Everything is carefully and artfully wrapped. D's had a salad, perky greens arrayed like a small terrarium. There was curly, frisee lettuce sprouting from it like Dr Seuss trees. All I can think of is the triscuits I (used to - used to - not anymore because D has ANOTHER MOM NOW ) stuff into a sandwich bag, next to some cereal bars and cookies. I ask him "do you actually EAT that?" He opens the box and plucks out a cucumber dripping with vinaigrette. Takes a bite. "It's really good, and i dont have a choice." She kisses his head.
I startle awake.

Grip

Gripping onto the chair rail
Staring at the plaster nubs on the ceiling
blurry,
Unflattering, snot wiped on the inside of my t-shirt
How is this beautiful, except thin?