Boys Keep Swinging: adventures in online dating
February 1, 2016. I was halfway through a bottle of Malbec when I joined the free dating site Plenty of Fish.
10 minutes after logging on, I had 50 messages, most from guys who hadn't read even the brief, pointed description I wrote. (What part of "Use your words" did you not understand? Or is your only word "hi"?)
As my profile picture, I'd chosen the scruffiest one with the most obvious armpit hair, which eliminated quite few right away. But clearly, the weeding-out process needed to be more comprehensive.
85% of responses could be scratched off for egregious spelling mistakes (not attributable to autocorrect), bad grammar, abysmal or nonexistent punctuation, and unnecessary abbreviation (a grown man should be able to type out the words "you" and "are" and "to".)
It was also a festival of misplaced apostrophes.
I was willing to forgive uninspired usernames, up to a point. But if you have to add random numbers after your choice, it suggests you aren't trying very hard:
MellowWilly6? Not only did you not think that through, there are apparently at least 5 others who did not.
Livingthedreammmmm was stupid on its own, but then you added the 4 extra " M"s.
And if you are unable to spell your own username (looking at you, Lookingforyoy), I will never take you seriously.
After 4 hours, there were 126 new messages. It was time to shallowly judge based on photos alone.
Posed with your hand stroking a Corvette or an H2? Sorry about your penis.
Selfie in bathroom mirror with your phone in the picture? I don't need to see your toilet, your grooming products, or your inability to reverse a phone camera.
Business suited, with colleagues inexpertly cropped out? This is not LinkedIn, slappy.
PS can't talk, favorite author died.
Duckface? Pointing at yourself? Duckface WHILE pointing at yourself? My delete finger, let me show you it.
One guy had three pictures of himself wearing a Santa hat. In different venues. From different time periods.
MellowWilly6? Not only did you not think that through, there are apparently at least 5 others who did not.
Livingthedreammmmm was stupid on its own, but then you added the 4 extra " M"s.
And if you are unable to spell your own username (looking at you, Lookingforyoy), I will never take you seriously.
Two people sent voice messages. It turns out that a disembodied, unknown voice is several levels creepier than an unsolicited dick pic.
Arguably, the photo of penis slippers was creepier.
" Hi I'm Ed" "I already have 2 Eds, three would be confusing."
"You can call me Rod"
"..."
Every stereotypical term of endearment was used (and often as not misspelled) I was called " mysteriouse ", " sexie", " hot" ( also "hawt"), "differentlol", cutie, cutey, cuttie, and, most baffling, "zen-like".
One wrote to me in Spanish. I was pretty sure he said "something something I like redheads", but Google translate set me straight ("Which rose would you choose . One white, one red, one yellow . Which you would you choose?" How do you say "eyeroll" en espanol?)
Most unpleasant interaction was with a persistent 27 year old gym rat, convinced I had no better " prospects " than his grossly-muscled self. Hey, bro, how did it feel to be shut down by a woman old enough to be your mother? Now get your Millennial ass off my lawn.
So.
After whittling down according to the aforementioned criteria, 3 remained.
I did have one interesting conversation; his initial text made me laugh (intentionally), and he was a writer. A denizen of North Carolina (suitably far away), we traded witticisms, he said I sounded together and grounded... and then he deleted his profile. I didn't take it personally. Writers are weird. He was probably engaged in the same experiment.
Another, I chose solely because he correctly used a semicolon. I was sent a snarky response because I was bored. Apparently, he did not feel up to defending himself. Fair enough.
The third was determined enough to keep talking after I made it a point to say I'd only done this out of boredom and had already dismissed 99% of messages. His photo showed him with an acoustic guitar. I used the word " hence" in my response. I did not hear back.
The messages continued to come in, albeit at a slower pace (once I was no longer in the "new user" queue). I kept all scathing responses to myself (to be used later, here). I did get a few repeat callers, upset that I didn't respond to to their "hi u, what R u doing?" (again, no one reads the profile...)
You spelled "intellectual" wrong.
The experience was flattering, in the same way catcalls are flattering - brief, shallow perks, tinged with contempt and mockery for the catcaller.
I'm sure there's some moral here: I'm self-contained, I'm comfortable in my life, I don't share well, I'm off-putting and weird - but it was a brief experiment, and a small sample size, so all results are suspect.
You spelled Valentine's wrong, after telling me your "witt" was a "good tool"
You know what else is a good tool? Irony.
Hardisck -I don't know if you're misspelling "dick" or "disk")
Happy valintine"s day. What R u up to tonight beatiful?(sic)
Well, in general, NOT misspelling things.
I get drunk and troll online dating sites.
It's a hobby.
Is it white supremacist day on POF? "No ghetto behavior" said one profile. The next message came from someone proudly posing beside a man in red t-shirt that read "White people are still the boss".
You know what else is a good tool? Irony.
Well, in general, NOT misspelling things.
It's a hobby.
Sometimes, Borat:
" I am very gifted in manhood department"
Do not give this man your email address.
